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Sunday, 13 September 2009

Monday, 24 August 2009

  • Falling to Pieces (or Crying Over Spilled Milk or Why I Hate Weeken

    That’s how my life feels right now…oh and just a disclaimer…bring some cheese because there is A LOT of whine in this blog post.

     

    I’m tired.  Very very tired.  Oh what?  Everything.

     

    I’m tired of going to a job I hate every day.


    I’m tired of fighting with my husband every day.

     

    I’m tired of listening to my kids whine and cry every day.

     

    I’m tired of the yelling and screaming that seems to be a constant every day.

     

    I’m tired of not being happy.  And I’m not happy a lot anymore.

     

     

    It seems like things in my house are going from bad to worse lately.  John and I are constantly snapping at each other.  We are not happy……well, I’m not happy with the way life is going in my house.

     

    Grace’s snarkiness is going from bad to worse at home.  When asked yesterday why she answered daddy back in a nasty tone she said “Because I’m tired of you yelling at me all day”.  Sigh.  

     

    This especially makes me sad because it brings back my childhood.  I spent a great deal of time thinking that my father didn’t like me.  I don’t want to see that for Grace.  It makes me sad.

     

    I think I had great expectations for myself, John and the girls this weekend.  I really thought there wouldn’t be any fighting or yelling or crying.  I thought maybe, things would change over night.  But I’m dillusional…and wrong.

     

    We ran a lot of errands on Saturday morning after very little sleep Friday night, the result of a terrible thunder storm and two kids who were terrified (and in my case, taking one of those kids to sleep in another bedroom).  I’m not a pleasant person when I don’t get a lot of sleep.

     

    So we did Target, then pit stops here and there.  Target didn’t go so well…or maybe it did.  What do I know?  Can I really expect an almost 5 year old and an almost 3 year old to be perfectly quiet at all times?  Or is a bit of singing with raised voices acceptable?  They were screaming and throwing a tantrum.  They were singing.  But it pushed John’s buttons…therefore pushing mine.

    I’m trying McMamma's one finger only rule which seems to work.  Honestly?  I really think our expectations are just outrageous.  I feel that all we do is nit pick the kids to death.

     

    When I mentioned this to John yesterday…his response was “Well, I remember telling you that a while ago”.  So, I guess it all goes back to me.  It’s all my fault.  Everything is my fault.  (I told you there was alone of whine in this post).

     

    Sunday we decided to try a baseball game.  We live 10 minutes from the local Yankee afilliate so we went.   HOT HOT HOT day……and ½ an inning (the first inning), the skies opened up and it poured.  And while we waited under cover for the rain to stop, the girls…went amuk.  Now…some goofing off I can handle, but it was crowded and I didn’t want them to get lost or hurt.  We ended up leaving.  Then both girls stared running away from me while John went to get the car and I lost my cool.  They lost TV (which is precious).  They both fell asleep in the car on the way home (remember 10 minutes) but neither would stay asleep when we got home.  And unfortunately, I got frustrated.  Expensive ½ inning baseball game.

     

    John started working in the dining room and wouldn’t speak to me so I stormed upstairs and put the laundry away.  I heard yelling and crying from downstairs.   Same old crap, different day.

     

    Grace decided she wanted to take a nap.  So she did and John finished up and took Ava outside in her bathing suit to wash my car.  She had fun. Grace woke up, she had fun.  They played in the sprinkler with their umbrella’s. 

     

    Then it was bath time…and then they just disintegrated again.   Dinner didn’t go much better.  While Ava ate her dinner, Grace played with hers.  Then Ava asked for some cereal….which she promptly started throwing on the floor, Rice Krispies for that matter.  Then there was the spilled milk, the laughing.  Then the meltdown when I took their dinners away.

     

    On top of all of this, I’m/we are dealing with a separation anxiety/I don’t want to go to school issue with Grace.  Every night the crying starts.  “I don’t want to go to school”, “I miss you”, “I love you”, “I’m afraid you won’t pick me up”.  Same thing every morning.  Some mornings she makes herself so upset she gets a stomach ache and thinks she’s going to be sick.  I just don’t understand where this is coming from.

     

    Things have to change at my house.  I’m tired of the yelling, the screaming, the crying (from me and the kids).  I’m tired of being unhappy.  I’m tired of hating the weekends.

Monday, 17 August 2009

  • Don't cry over spilled milk (or yogurt).

    You know that old saying "Don't cry over spilled milk"?  Well, this morning it could have been over spilled yogurt.  Why does nothing go well on a Monday morning?   Shouldn't there be a rule on Monday mornings that b/c it's a Monday morning, things should go relatively smoothly?

    Instead Grace wakes up at 5:30am crying b/c she misses Grammy (my mother).  Now....she saw Grammy yesterday.  We spent the weekend with Grammy at the beach house.  Grammy will come over on Friday.  But none of this pacifies an almost 5 year old.  Nope.

    My period is so heavy....ugh...yesterday at the beach, I almost barely made it to the bathroom.  :(  Ugh....last month hardly anything...this month......WHAMMO.

    Ava is so mommy centric.  She wants NOTHING to do with daddy.  Which makes him sad and puts alot of pressure on me.  Very soon, I think Daddy will spend a day with Ava while Mommy spends a day with Grace.

    I took the girls to the beach this weekend.  My mom was there as was my brother and sister in law and thier kids.  We had a great time at the beach.  My brother actually got me out in the ocean...for like an hour, jumping waves...and for me...that's impressive.  Yesterday, the water was gorgeous!!!!  Like a pool, just for the kids.  I'll post pictures tomorrow.  At first Ava didn't want anything to do with the ocean so my mom took her chair and sat by the water with Grace.  Slowly, I coaxed Ava to the water.  They floated and played....found shells....hermit crabs, etc.

    My brother and I bonded out in the water on Sat.  He gave me some parenting advice...and we just talked.

    His advice is right on.  I'm so tired and upset about what is going on at home.  All we seem to do it pick and yell and scold and snip...at each other and at the girls.  It's not a healthy relationship at all, for anyone.  Something has to change and the change has to come from John and I b/c the girls...well, they don't understand.  I think our expectations of an almost 5 year old and an old 3 year old are too much.  They aren't really all that bad...they are just acting thier age.

    John and I are still having isssues.  I'm really wondering if we need to start some sort of counseling.  I don't think either of us is really happy any more.  We try and then go right back to the way we were.

Friday, 14 August 2009

Sunday, 19 July 2009

  • The Post of 1000 titles

    I'm not even sure where to start.

    Vacation

    We just got back from vacation...our annual trek to Pawley's Island to see John's parents and his grandmother.  I had told John weeks ago that this was not usually a good time for me......his parents are not the easiest to get along with...they don't understand raising kids now a days and they definately don't get Grace.  That's very hard for me to deal with.  John promised that this time would be different.

    But it wasn't.  John's father just started picking on Grace...and the sarcasim.....ugh.....how many 4.5 year olds understand sarcasim?  Well, Grace doesn't.  And it just kept going and going and going and going.  So I told John and he spoke to his dad......but it didn't stop.  So then John spoke to his mom and mom spoke to dad and it still didn't stop....then he pulled the silent treatment on Grace..to the point where she started crying b/c PopPop wasn't talking to her.  I mean really???  A pissing match between a 4.5 year old and a 76 year old man?  Give me a break.

    John's parents didn't want to do anything with us.  Didn't want to go out to lunch or dinner or anything. 

    We did have fun but it was also some tense times between John and I after having some reallly good weeks.  The car ride was tenuous.......ugh.  I got so tired of listening to John yell at Grace.....

     

    Relationship

    John and I have been working hard on our relationship.  We've (I've) been more honest with him, telling him how I feel about certain things.....ie, the vacation above.  The only problem we are still having is sex (cringe).  I've been off the pill for over a year now...and I still have no sex drive.  And apparently John is experiencing the opposite problem.....he is in over drive...can't get enough....tho doesn't get much at all.  This is the biggest source of contention between us and I'm not sure how to solve it.  I really just don't want sex and for the most part I don't enjoy it either.  :(  So I guess I just give in.....

     

    Parenting

    I'm torn.  I'm not sure if John and I have over the top expectations of Grace or if she really has some behavior issues at home.  I just feel that one of us (more so John) is always yelling at her and riding her.  Is she really just being a normal 4.5 year old......or do I expect too much from her?  Do I/should I put up with "FINE" or "I can do whatever I want"? 

    I'm really afraid that with John, Grace is going to start resenting him the way I resented my father.  I felt like such a HUGE failure to my dad and I don't want the same for Grace.  :(

     

    Baby #3

    We are still torn on the topic of baby #3.  UGH.  I think deep down we would both like one BUT.....do we really want to start all over again with sleepless nights, bottles, diapers, schedules?  The girls are starting that fun stage...do I want to have another baby and be like "I'm sorry, we can't, the baby needs to eat/sleep/whatever?

    But I can't get out of my head the thought of another baby.  But since we need help getting pg...what if we try for one and get more than one?  Then there is the thought of where to put the baby....the money thing....etc.

    I was late this month...and actually disappointed when it did come. :(

    I'm not getting any younger and my insurance which will cover IVF expires at the end of the year.  What do I do?

     

    Pictures

    will come tomorrow.

     

    Time for me to go back to bed so that I can go back to work.  :(

Kristen1202

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    • Name: Kristen
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